By Affiliate Joni Daniels of Joni Daniels and Associates
I attended a dinner honoring a woman who had been named ‘something’ of the year. In front of more than a thousand women, a well regarded colleague introduced her and listed the honoree’s many accomplishments as we watched video of her on the large screen. Inducted into a few Halls of Fame, perfectly dressed, two charming children and an adoring husband, with the praise of her peers, her competitors and her protégés, she received a standing ovation as she climbed the stairs to the podium to accept her award and make her speech. Onstage, she was an enthusiastic speaker, compelling, motivating and articulate. She received another standing ovation at the end, and sat down to cheers and whistles from the audience.
On the escalator at then end of the evening, I was behind her and the woman who had provided her introduction. She turned to her friend and asked, “Do you really think I was OK?”
I was stunned. How could this woman, honored by hundreds, lack confidence? After the cheers and applause, how could she wonder, even for a second, about her talents, abilities and skills? How could she sound just like a hundred women, including myself, when she has just been honored as a woman who is clearly head and shoulders above the rest?
The woman so many had come to honor had taken her talents and abilities, and combined them with her personal power. Her ability to set limits, ask good questions, create a vision of success, and manage her own energy was the way she demonstrated her personal empowerment. In spite of her long list of achievements, she needed some reassurance.
One thing I have observed over time is that confidence for all women, regardless of position, paycheck, age or appearance, is not a permanently fixed point. It seems instead, to continually slide up and down a scale.
CONFIDENCE
At the low end of this confidence scale, we experience a sense of paranoia, unsure of ourselves and worried about what everyone else thinks. Those who live here full time are always worried about everyone’s opinion and never trust their own judgment to be quite right. At the high end of the confidence scale, we experience a sense of arrogance, certain of our position and caring little about others. Those who live here are never concerned about what anyone else thinks, caring only about their own, clearly accurate perception. In the middle of the confidence scale is where we feel fairly secure about what we think and how we will behave.
The arrows in the diagram represent the state of flux that exists throughout the middle of the confidence spectrum. Most of us live here, and our self-assurance is almost always in flux, depending on a variety of things: the issue, talent or skill at hand, someone else’s opinion, worry about the future, anxiety about the past, and the amount of preparation and practice we have had. While we may be fairly secure, there are many variables that impact the level of our security.
Because the middle of this spectrum is often in flux, it seems slippery and unreliable. Those of us who are fearful of appearing arrogant and sliding over to the high end of the scale never venture far from the low end of the spectrum. That very fear keeps us at the low end of the scale, worried and overly apprehensive of what others think.
What Can We Do?
Aim for the middle of the spectrum and aspire for a good level of confidence. We can be aware that an extreme archetype exists at either end. The truth is, confidence is not a single, fixed point, but a moveable one. A change in our level of confidence is influenced by a number of variables. Factors such as the amount and quality of our experiences, the type of feedback we receive, comparing ourselves in a favorable or unfavorable light, all contribute. Understanding that our confidence level fluctuates can add to our feelings of self-assurance.
We need Resiliency and Optimism.
Women who are resilient possess a buoyant spirit that reveals hardiness and an ability to bounce back. Without that flexibility, you may decide to give up, rather than bounce back. If you become convinced that there is no point in trying, there is no chance you will ever get closer to your goal. On the other hand, if you posses hope, it can come with a cheerful outlook and you may discover that a positive approach will get you closer to a positive outcome.
Confidence often is the leader behind which resiliency and optimism march, though it can become a “chicken and egg” type of discussion. It’s not so important to figure out which you need first in order to obtain the rest. Know that it comes as a package deal, that they are interrelated, and that they can be developed in a random fashion.
The honored speaker that I overheard is like every woman, sure of herself in her area of expertise but a bit less sure of herself in a new arena. Accomplished in her career, she may not have as long a track record as a speaker. As situations occur and new people are encountered, she knows that practice simply makes for good preparation.
Confidence gets your power flowing in a forward motion. Remember that it is important to keep the goal in view if you want to overcome that fear of what others might think; to quiet that voice in your head telling you to forget what you want, and just be happy with whatever we can get. Using interpersonal skills that make you more empowered, help you develop a quiet and durable confidence.
© Copyright 2011, Daniels & Associates. All Rights Reserved.
Nationally recognized Management and Organizational Development Training consultant, author, and professional speaker Joni Daniels has helped thousands of people, teams, and organizations accomplish their professional goals. She is a sought after resource for Fortune 500 clients, professional organizations, higher education, media outlets and business publications and author of “Power Tools for Women®: Plugging into the Essential Skills for Work and Life (Three Rivers Press/02). Sign up for her free quarterly newsletter at www.jonidaniels.com/newsletter.html. Follow Joni on Twitter at http://twitter.com/jonid